No One Can Know I’m Broken and Defective

Have you ever gone through something horrible that left you feeling broken, defective, unlovable, worthless, or feeling like you’re a terrible person?  Shame is a heavy burden that many of us struggle with in our journey towards healing from abuse.  Although not often talked about, shame can be one of the most insidious and crippling effects of abuse.  In this article, I want to shed light on the profound impact of shame and offer some ways to help survivors overcome this challenging belief.

Understanding Shame

Shame is not just a fleeting feeling of embarrassment; it's a deep-seated and pervasive belief that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love and acceptance.  It’s the sense that I don’t measure up and can never measure up, and it brings a sense of hopelessness.  Shame is where we feel like we need to hide because we don’t want others to find out our deep inadequacy.  

Survivors of abuse often grapple with shame because their abusers have deliberately instilled these toxic beliefs by making survivors believe that the abuse was somehow our fault or that we deserved it, and that no one would ever love or accept us as they are.  However, it is essential to recognize that shame is not the survivor's fault. It's a result of the abuser's actions and manipulation.

The Impact of Shame

Shame can be a paralyzing force, hindering a survivor's ability to heal and move forward. It isolates us, making it challenging to seek support or open up about our experiences. It can also lead to self-destructive behaviors, like self-harm, substance abuse, or toxic relationships, as we attempt to cope with the overwhelming emotions.

Shame can manifest in numerous ways.  It can make survivors feel intense emotional turmoil, often experiencing overwhelming internal battles and emotions such as self-doubt, guilt, self-hatred, depression, anxiety, and more.  Shame can cause us to try to excessively control our environments in an attempt to mask our believed inadequacies.  This can cause us to lash out at others and be overly critical and competitive, but it can also cause us to be very emotionally sensitive, often having intense reactions to any perceived criticism, making us feel the need to apologize frequently even when we have done nothing wrong.  Shame hinders our ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, be assertive, make decisions, and engage in self-care or other intrinsically rewarding activities. 

Empowering Healing

Shame as an effect of abuse is a heavy burden to bear, but with the right support and therapeutic guidance, we can transform our lives and reclaim our sense of self-worth, ultimately breaking free from the chains of our past.  Here are some strategies to help overcome shame:

1. Cultivate Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a powerful antidote to shame. Treat ourself with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to a loved one, friend, or child in a similar situation. Self-compassion helps challenge the self-critical inner dialogue.

2. Mindfulness and Acceptance: Mindfulness and Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) are fantastic tools for healing. By staying present and accepting our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can begin to detach from our shame and pain. We must also recognize that hindsight is 20/20, and we can not berate our past self for something that person didn’t know.

3. Releasing Shame Through EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an evidence-based therapy that can be incredibly effective in processing traumatic memories and reducing shame. It helps survivors reframe our experiences and regain a sense of control while significantly decreasing the frequency and intensity of distress felt from past memories and beliefs.

4. Reach Out for Support: Survivors are encouraged to find a support system, whether it's friends, family, or support groups. Knowing we’re not alone and that others understand our struggles can be a powerful source of healing.

5. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is excellent for helping survivors identify and challenge the negative beliefs that fuel shame. By changing these beliefs, we can rewrite our self-narrative.

6. Body-Mind Connection: Engaging in physical activities, like exercise programs, sports, martial arts, or yoga, can be therapeutic. These activities help survivors reconnect with their bodies and regain a sense of strength and control.  Research shows that combining trauma therapy with a trauma informed martial arts can significantly increase the effectiveness and speed of the healing process. 

7. Nature as a Healing Ally: Spending time in nature can have a calming and grounding effect. Nature provides a safe space for reflection and connection with one's inner self.

8. Creative Expression: Art, writing, and other creative outlets can be a way for survivors to express and process their feelings. It can help externalize emotions and gain a new perspective.

9. Set Realistic Goals: Setting and achieving small goals can boost self-esteem and reduce shame. It is important to set realistic and achievable milestones on our path to recovery.

10. Professional Help: Sometimes, shame is too overwhelming to navigate alone.  Therapy is a wonderful way to help overcome shame, change our beliefs, and move forward from the abuse.

Remember, healing from shame is a journey that requires time, patience, and unwavering support to shed the cloak of shame and rediscover our inherent worth and resilience.